love what you do or do what you love?

Some people are lucky enough to do what they love. And some people (have to) try harder to love what they do, just to survive, because the last man standing is the survivor.
Choose a life path is never easy.
You love what you do now, but you don’t have a chance to raise your dream, you cannot live you life fulfil. You enjoy it, you love and happy, but you know you dying and will sinking in life if stay. Live in this world full of price tag and brand not as easy as loving something.
You do what you can do even that’s not your love the most, but you have a chance to raise your other dream and you can live fulfil. You will die cause of bored, but you can live as well with chasing dream and time and of course the benefit as fit.
As desperate as me now.
I will take second chance. Maybe what they say is right, I have no heart or my head is bigger than heart, that I’m so materialistic and selfish.
I don’t mind if I’m hurt or dying inside as long as I get paid as well, as long I can reach my drea…

one point

when you need to prove something, and what you think is true, you feel relieved, you proud to yourself because you’re right bout what you’re thinking.
In same time,
You feel guilty to someone, you hurting the person you need the most just because your high ego. Your ego, your stubborn make it you a ‘breaker’.

Was be a victim, then become a offender.
In one side, I love myself, I feeling proud to torture the antagonist when I was a victim.
And you know you don’t leave anything behind, so you have no alibi to looking back or back to that situation. And you know, you always right bout your thought. You didn’t have to feeling guilty to him, you know you’re right the time you quit and close the door, the time you moving forward. You right and just go your life now.
In other side, I feel guilty to hurting someone, someone I need the most, my cure. I know I become the antagonist when I hear his voice and I don’t need to looking to his eyes to say “fuck I did something worse”. You know how …

work life

Sometimes, I got random thought in street when I go to work. “Why I have to wake up in the morning and go to office, I can work from home or anywhere?” “Why I feel they (office) dont treat me well? Dont give any suit compensation?” “Why I have to looking for other corporate/office to fit what I wants?”
And I find the answer of own. First, cause you can’t get anything you want, that’s life, the big great joke. If you wanna be ordinary, you have to follow the rules. But if you wanna do whatever you want, you create your own rule and you will get your own risk, by yourself. And I realize, I have no power or preparation or even money to had my own path, own way, I dont have any brave like that, yet.
And the answer for the second and third questions is same... Because we are human.
Looking for fittable job and salary, just like looking for partner in life, like looking perfect lover. Being in office, just like being in relationship. There’s take and give, and when you feel you give more a…


We knew each other since 2009, he was my (not so) childhood friends, we supposed to be elementary friends, but to be honest, I didn’t know him at the time. We met four years later after elementary graduation, in some elementary reunion, but nothing happen. We just say ‘hey’ then stick around in each other place, we never get closer, we just a stranger with “long lost friends” label. Maybe we meet several times in several reunion and texting several times, but it doesn’t change anything. We have our own adventure of love, he with his girlfriend-s, crush, or girls around him. And me, I have some adventure too, from the player, the good boy, the jerk until the one I think is my true love, the one I think is my last. We have a history who made us like we are now. Then…. After our own upside down of love, We met six months ago, nope, he found me full of agony – dying in hospital bed, bloody fucking bleeding because of the game I come into, and that’s a shame for me to look so weak. He walk into…

2am-midnight Thougth

Monsters and ghosts are real, they don’t lie under your bed, they live inside us, inside our mind, and sometimes they win.
Midnight thought always scare me, it makes me feel silly and foolish. When you can’t sleep and your mind have a tons of random thought, your flashback memories or your wishes. But the hardest is flashback memories. Your family (all mistakes and ‘what-should-have-to-be) Your friends (losing them) Your ex (what you did to them and what they did to you) Even yourself (hurt yourself and cannot forgive) Happy memories could make you cry cause you can’t take it back, cause the people was gone, cause you can’t fix anything, cause its better like that. Sad-Hurt memories that make you hard to breath, even tears can’t makes anything better, cause the scars always be scars and even time cant heal that. And the worst of the worst is… you can’t forgive yourself cause let them happened. You can’t forgive yourself cause you do nothing when it happens that time. You can’t forgive yourse…

Back To You - Louis Tomlinson feat Bebe Rexha

I know you say you know me, know me well But these days I don’t even know myself Yeah, so you can cut me up and kiss me harder You can be the pill to ease the pain Cause I know I’m addicted to your drama Baby, here we go again… Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me You drag me down, you fuck me up We’re on the ground, we’re screaming I don’t know how to make it stop I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it But I keep on coming back to you…
Itu sekilas lirik lagu yang pernah gue update di sosial media. Makna yang gue tangkep dari lagu itu adalah, lo dipermainkan sama orang yang pernah hadir di kehidupan lo. Gue shock ternyata update lirik itu terlihat seperti… kangen mantan. Orang pertama bilang, “you looks stupid with that caption” Orang kedua bilang, “cie kangen mantan ya
Padahal…. Bukan kangen mantan, tapi kangen diri gue sendiri sebelum terkontaminasi sang mantan. I always say “help me for being monster he made me”, “Kok kayanya makin kesini gue makin kaya dia ya”, yeaahh cara berpikir gue, sam…


Sebenernya gue masih aktif nulis kok, banyak draft tapi gak berujung di posting, mungkin nanti satu-satu akan gue posting, dan (jika ada waktu senggang) gue akan benerin rapihin blog gue, gak akan lagi ada tulisan alay bertahun-tahun lalu. So, if you ask me why I’m here now? Gue juga bingung mau mulai dari mana, terlalu banyak hal yang gue hadapi, naik turun, berlika liku, belok belok, puter balik, upside down, ya pokoknya berantakan deh. Dengan anehnya kehidupan gue, gue belajar banyak hal, sangat banyak, lebih banyak daripada 12 tahun wajib belajar dan 4 tahun kuliah, pelajaran hidup itu.... greget! Gue belajar akan namanya kenakalan masa muda dan bagaimana gue harus memperbaikinya, gue belajar mengakui kesalahan dan meminta maaf, gue belajar namanya memafkan dan yang paling sulit adalah memaafkan diri sendiri, gue belajar menerima kenyataan bahwa semua gak bisa seperti apa yang kita mau, bahwa bertahan gak selalu yang terbaik, dan berani melangkah walau lo gak bisa melihat apapun did…