darkest confession

I am 25, and I try to being honest.

I feel not capable for being 25, for being an adult.

Because …

Have you ever lose your mind?

For me, its happen once or twice.

The first time is when I feel the first real love. I was fall too far and loving someone blindly and deafly. I lose my mind, give everything I had. My time, my money, my brain, my heart and my body. I sacrifice my friends, my family and myself to be with him, to makes him happy, to be with him.

I closed my ears when everyone mocks me, when they ridiculed me.

I let him treat me badly. I such a foolish.

Its idiot, but I don't regret it. that's just a great lesson, and I'm thankful.

And the second one, I hope is the last time, is when I feel so depressed, I cant talk to anyone because I have no such relationship with my family or my friends anymore.

I take three high-dose sleeping pills, which that prescribed by doctor and should not be taken more than five days and may not be more than one tablet each day, but I take three that day. I don’t think about suicide, I just want to sleep longer than usual and sleep better than usual. And yep I sleep like dead people for almost 18 hours, even though at that time I was experiencing insomnia and only slept three hours every day.

Two things I did when I lose my mind and not aware of what I'm doing.

But days after I did the second stupid thing, I lost my mind but consciously. I feel sad, lonely, depressed and anger. I feel like my head will blow up and I cant tamed my anger. I throw every little things around me to the walls until they broken, I cry and scream, and I hurt myself physically, my arms are bruised and my palms are scratched.

I drink a bottle of traditional wine, which is 650ml of OrangTua. after drink it, I feel dizzy and more calm but I cant think clearly. I take five medium-dose sleeping pills, Antimo, for some seconds, I don’t think about consequence when I took alcohol and medicine in same time, I just know something bad will happens, because for some seconds, I think to ended my life.

When I swallow it, I suddenly vomit.

I just cry. I damned myself to act so stupid, and thanking God to save me, maybe vomit is His way to save me.

From that day, I scared to myself, to my mind. I scared to be alone, I scared I fool enough to take a stupid choices.

I try to meditate, start to looking for someone who I can talk heart to heart, try to write down all my thought from a dark side of me and the bright side of me, try to reminds myself, and try to talking to myself.

Seem crazy, but I feel better.

I scared being crazy, literally crazy.

Above all, I scared to lose my mind again.

Ps:

Please, jangan pernah keluar dari mulut kalian “yaelah, masalah lo segitu doang”, “beratan masalah gue” atau apapun ke temen kalian yang sedang cerita, sesepele ataupun seringan apapun masalah mereka menurut kalian, please give some empathy!

Kalian gak akan tau kapan temen kalian putus asa dan kehilangan arah, kalian gak akan tau masalah yang enteng ataupun sepele itu ternyata hanya puncak dari sekian perasaan negatif yang sudah ia pendam cukup lama.

Kalian harus tau betapa rasa sedih, sepi dan marah itu sangat membunuh.