2am-midnight Thougth

Monsters and ghosts are real, they don’t lie under your bed, they live inside us, inside our mind, and sometimes they win.

Midnight thought always scare me, it makes me feel silly and foolish. When you can’t sleep and your mind have a tons of random thought, your flashback memories or your wishes. But the hardest is flashback memories.

Your family (all mistakes and ‘what-should-have-to-be)

Your friends (losing them)

Your ex (what you did to them and what they did to you)

Even yourself (hurt yourself and cannot forgive)

Happy memories could make you cry cause you can’t take it back, cause the people was gone, cause you can’t fix anything, cause its better like that.

Sad-Hurt memories that make you hard to breath, even tears can’t makes anything better, cause the scars always be scars and even time cant heal that.

And the worst of the worst is… you can’t forgive yourself cause let them happened. You can’t forgive yourself cause you do nothing when it happens that time. You can’t forgive yourself cause do something that they wants even at the time you try to said no.

sometimes there’s nothing you can say at 2am.

You feel pathetic for wanting call them with tears in your eyes, and your voice shakes when you try to speak.

You trying your best to not show them your weakness but we all know how nice it would be to not cry alone

And the scariest part is not the feeling of loneliness or the darkest that fills you despite the looming pain of emptiness, the scariest part is the realization that you have lost yourself completely, sinking in as you lay awake at 2am because you lost ability to sleep and you can’t cry, cause you don’t even care to yourself

That’s why… I do a lot mistakes to myself, I do bad things, even destroy myself with all bad things (you know all things legal or illegal that feeling good and addicted but destroy your body and mind – ‘C’,’A’,’S’,’D’), that’s the way I punish myself cause ya know I feel I don’t deserve a good life, a good lover, a good friend, a good relationship with anyone. I punish myself cause I blame all of the bad things that happened to me – to me. I punish myself till I think ‘enough, you already pay it all”, but till when? Who knows…

Ps: God please heal me, time please help me...

Didalamu dendam parah bersarang

Perih mencekam, pedih bersulang, lara bersarang

Dalam peraduan dendammu melagu

Dalam perasaan diam mu memburu

Dalam kesunyian gerammu bertalu

Dalam keraguan lantas kau berseru

Sembuhkan lukamu yang membiru, serpihan hatimu yang berdebu

Pagimu yang terluka, malammu yang menyiksa

Hal yang ingin kau lupa, justru semakin nyata….

Mengunci ingatanmu, menahan masa lalu

Memori yang membisu, harapan yang berseru

- Menunggang Badai, Barasuara

- Mengunci Ingatan, Barasuara