one point

when you need to prove something, and what you think is true, you feel relieved, you proud to yourself because you’re right bout what you’re thinking.

But…

In same time,

You feel guilty to someone, you hurting the person you need the most just because your high ego. Your ego, your stubborn make it you a ‘breaker’.

Was be a victim, then become a offender.

In one side, I love myself, I feeling proud to torture the antagonist when I was a victim.

And you know you don’t leave anything behind, so you have no alibi to looking back or back to that situation. And you know, you always right bout your thought. You didn’t have to feeling guilty to him, you know you’re right the time you quit and close the door, the time you moving forward. You right and just go your life now.

But…

In other side, I feel guilty to hurting someone, someone I need the most, my cure. I know I become the antagonist when I hear his voice and I don’t need to looking to his eyes to say “fuck I did something worse”. You know how important the person the way you feel what they feel, and the way I hurting him as deep as I hurt myself, again.

In past, I always cry every time I hear rude, sarcasm and rough words in some fight. But now, I know the more pain, I feel the worse than rude-sarcasm-rough words.

Maybe…

You will get pride in ego.

But you will hurt someone, too.

And I’m so sorry for my high ego.

I know all consequences from beginning, but why I still do it? My ego. I hate being demeaned. I hate looking weak. I hate look like hide or run from something.

And I wanna prove something.

I’m apologize for my stubborn and my ego.

You just need one point to make it all clearer.

One point. And everything you feel clear.

Everything clear:

You lose your respect to someone, you didn’t care anymore what his feeling or his talk or anything bout him, you just wasted your 15 minutes, but after 15 minutes, you can live your new life without any distraction from the past anymore.

Everything clear:

You care to him so much and your love increased over your limit you put in the beginning (cause of a little traumatic bout love) the way you being hurt as deep as you hurting him, you know you happier now than last year, you know he is the real cure for you, the way you healing and get better, and he’s better, better than best.

Catatan seseorang:

Elo mah gitu, kalo lo gak sayang, lo bakal cuek bebek, lo bakal “elo elo gue gue”, elo gak akan mikirin perasaannya, tapi kalo lo udah jealous, ok gak jealous cuma ada perasaan uuggghh gitu, berarti lo udah peduli, lo udah sayang, udah lah gausah nampik, gausah salting, gue doang kok yang tau.

Mungkin dulu kalian cuma simbiosis mutualisme, dia seneng di deket lo karna dia suka sama lo, lo nyaman karna dia ngebahagiain elo, bikin lo lupa sama apa yang lo rasain, dan kalian cuma having fun aja. Tapi sekarang gak cuma sekedar fun kok, kalo cuma fun, lo mungkin sekarang udah bilang “bodo amat” tapi lo sampe segitunya, lo berusaha memperbaiki keadaan, jadi gue tau kalian serius dan berusaha saling membahagiakan, gak cuma nyari fun aja.

Dan gue bangga lo udah bisa buka hati lo lagi.